So Hard To Say Goodbye
by Pwnguin
Summary: Sharpay realizes that she has to change after Ryan's death.


_**Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face**_

"Ryan's...what?"  
My mother put her hand on my shoulder, "Oh, honey, I'm sorry. Ryan's...dead."  
My mind was spinning. Ryan couldn't be dead. He was just here.  
And, I said so many things.

_**You told me how proud you were but I walked away**_

_"Oh, shut up, Ryan!"  
"But, I'm sorry! It was an accident!"  
So it was a drop of syrup. But this shirt was dry clean only.  
"Sorry my a-s. b-tch."  
I walked away, and never said anything._

_**If only I knew what I know today**_

I had gotten angry at Ryan. And my anger got the better of me. I took Ryan for total granted. I never realized it. He was always there for me, but was I ever there for him?__

I would hold you in my arms

_"Amazing, Shar. We're totally winning those parts!"  
"Yeah we are. Hey get me a bottle of water, will ya?"  
I grabbed the bottle from his hand, and immediately spit it out.  
"Ryan! What is this?"  
"...Water?"  
"Yeah, but it's warm! I do not drink warm water. Get me another one."  
I blew my nails as he got me another one._

_**  
I would take the pain away**_

I cried as my mother talked to the hospital receptionest. I couldn't believe myself. How could anyone in the world be so heartless like me? I should've been the one dead. That drunk driver had no right to kill an innocent person. I should've been the one in that hospital bed. Ryan should've been here.

Everything turned out so wrong.  
_**  
Thank you for all you've done  
Forgive all your mistakes**_

I sat up and thought everything through. Ryan was dead. My last words to him were horrible words. Words of hatred and cruelty. And he died without giving me a chance to apologize.

I had to change somehow.  
_**  
There's nothing I wouldn't do  
To hear your voice again**_

Ryan would not be proud to see me like this. Hurting everyone's feelings, stepping on nerds, taking people for granted.

_"And remember, double space. Mr. Lamnet's eyes are crazy."  
I smiled as Nelson Anderson pushed up his glasses and took my notes on the next project. Another project done without breaking a nail.  
Ryan walked up to me, "Did you even pay that kid?"  
"Why should I? I scare him enough."  
"Shar, you know that's not nice."  
"We aren't supposed to be nice, Ryan."  
"But..."  
"Hey buy me a lunch will you? Thanks."_  
_**  
Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won't be there  
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do**_

I could've been a better person. I could've treated him better while he was still here. But it's too late. Ryan was gone.  
_**  
And I've hurt myself by hurting you  
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit**_

I could've at least apologized. I didn't want him dying knowing that I hated him.

_**Sometimes I just want to hide 'cause it's you I miss  
You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this**_

I stood up and followed my mom out the door. I stared at the walls. This was Ryan's last place he breathed in. The last place he had his final heartbeat. This was the last place Ryan lived. __

Would you tell me I was wrong?  
Would you help me understand?

My mother motioned me into the car. I cried as she drove me home. She didn't say a single word. I cried for Ryan, for my parents, and for myself. Why didn't the hospital save him?  
_**  
Are you looking down upon me?  
Are you proud of who I am?**_

It wasn't the hospital's fault I was crying. It wasn't that drunk driver's fault I was crying.

It was my fault I was crying.

I decided I had to change. Again. If I couldn't be a better person to Ryan, I had to be a better person to everyone else.

_**  
There's nothing I wouldn't do  
To have just one more chance  
To look into your eyes and see you looking back**_

A better person to Troy, Gabriella, Taylor, Chad, _everyone._ Everyone I said a bad thing to. My parents, my teachers, people at the mall, on the street. But how?__

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do  
And I've hurt myself

I watched the hospital disappear. An idea popped into my head.  
_**  
If I had just one more day, I would tell you how much that  
I've missed you since you've been away**_

A month after the incident, I volunteered at the hospital. I read to kids with leukemia, I comforted the elderly. I also became nicer to all the kids at East High. People are freaked out by me, but I know they will get used to it. People at the hospital were always nice to me.

_"...and he lived happily ever after. The End."  
"Wow, thank you Sharpay."  
I smiled at the little boy. It was hard to believe he was dying of a cancer. He was so carefree.  
"Can you read to me again?"  
"Oh, Tom, I have work to do. Maybe tomorrow?"  
"Oh. OK."  
I walked out of the room.  
"Wait, Sharpay."  
"Yes, Tom?"  
"You're the best. Most girls like you avoid me. Nice to know that someone cares about me."  
I smiled at Tom, "Thank you, Tom."___

Oh, it's dangerous  
It's so out of line to try to turn back time

And everyday I came, I visited the room where Ryan had his final moments. I touched every little thing in the room. And I realized, Ryan would probably be proud of me if he were here today. So maybe he was still hurt.__

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do  
And I've hurt myself

But he had to be proud of me today. And I was becoming a better person everyday. I breathed the air of the room before heading out. This was the last of Ryan. Last of my brother. Last of my best friend.

I walked out of the room, kissed the door, and walked down the hall.__

By hurting you_

* * *

_

A/N: Heya, this is the replacement of Suddenly The Whole World Is Crashing Down. I know it's not the best replacement, but I absolutely had to make a fanfic out of this song. Please review! 


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